Instead of hoped-for reassurance, there is deep hurt.One friend told me he felt more alone than he ever had in his life when his wife angrily rebuffed his questions as insecurity.
Couples counseling may be necessary for you to express what has been lacking in the marriage and for you both to move into a phase of mutual and respectful growth.(5) Explain to your “friend” that you need some distance so as to give your marriage a chance to resume its primacy in your emotional life, e.g.
that it endangers your marriage to continue building such a compelling closeness with someone else.
Now there are sections of this sphere that belong to someone else, that are off-limits to them and have become .
In the stories I have heard from those who feel thus betrayed, the worst aspect of making this kind of discovery is trying to talk about it with the partner.
The chief motivation for giving up such a recurring and expansive pleasure would be to protect one’s marriage, but this motivation gets replaced by the much more palatable conceptual frame of standing up for one’s freedom and for one’s rights as an individual.
The surest way out of this paradox is honest self-examination: “Why does this relationship mean so much to me? ” The rewards of the “friendship” contain important clues – something to look forward to, feeling deeply understood, filling up a void during a time of transition, the novelty of a fresh perspective, the aliveness of a kind of romance.
Feeling re-awakened on so many levels is a powerful allure, which is precisely why one’s partner is feeling so threatened.
Unfortunately, through the relentless and uncanny logic of self-deception, the belief that there’s nothing wrong with maintaining this “friendship” will re-assert itself if not countered by a strong and consistent push to follow up on these clues.
For workplace buddies and acquaintances, the messages amount to learning more about each other.